Black Friday: Pure Evil...at 50% Off

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. " -Tyler Durden

I hate Black Friday. I mean, I really hate it. I hate it so much, I want to talk about it (go figure).

Just hear me out. I have my reasons for disliking the shopping craze known as Black Friday (referred to as BF for the rest of this entry). I know this blog isn't going to stop stores from hosting outrageous sales of pure ecstasy and delight.

I just want you to think before you buy that $30-now-$10 shirt at American Eagle. Put it DOWN.

If you buy your BF items online, I like you a little more already. You're smart. You avoid the God-awful crowds that make me wish I had Moses' power to part the Red Sea.


Like this, only the water would be screaming children wanting candy and oblivious old people who seem to be in stores just to get in your way.

I like BF online shoppers because they avoid one of the worst things known to man. Seriously, Disney World in the summer on a clear day looks like a ghost town compared to...

1. The f*cking CROWDS.

Wow! A screenshot from a new zombie film! .....Wait.....

LOOK AT THAT! It's ridiculous! It makes me very sad just looking at it. It makes me so sad, I feel like I should be in a Greek tragedy and gouge my eyes out like Oedipus.

Are you really going to wait outside a store at a time where on most days you'd rather sleep in just because they have some...coffee maker at 75% off? Apparently those people in the picture really want some quality coffee. Okay, a coffee maker is a lame example. I mean, who would buy that on BF? It's more likely a big-screen TV, but does that make it any BETTER to lose sleep over it?

2. Do you REALLY need that?

If you need it, great. Do you need 30 more shirts? Is it essential to your immediate survival? Do you need that new camera because someone broke your last one or because it's shiny, pretty, the latest model, and on sale?

"NEED!!!!"

Are you going to die if you are not the first to reach that glorious plasma TV that will look amazing in your living room?

You're exaggerating, Ms. Blog Writer. No one has died because of BF. No, wait...

3. People go back to basic instincts on BF.

Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede

Read that article. This is my most serious reason for hating BF. Are we, as human beings, so convinced that breakable, replacable items are more valuable and worth saving than a fellow human life?

I don't care if this was just one incident and one person. This one incident represents what some avid BF followers' mindset is. They didn't care if they were stepping on the employees. If they did, they certainly did nothing about it.


"I would help you get up, but I see a pair of Uggs on sale!"

I buy things too. I have an iPod, I have a TV, I'm typing this entry on a netbook, for goodness sakes.

I just feel that we're losing sight of who we are and what is important. This entry is not meant in any way to make you feel bad and point out your faults. I wrote this to make you think.

Please don't lose anymore sleep over an item that will become outdated in the next year or over a shirt that will go out of style quicker than a hooker on the run.

If you must shop for gifts, have the courtesy to do it online at least so you don't get trampled or you trample anybody. If you don't get the things you want online, I'm sorry, but just think about the things you have already and be grateful.

BF pretty much kills everything Thanksgiving stands for. One day, we are thankful for things, and in a few hours, we go back to "I want! I want! I want!"

Everyone loves a good sale. I like sales as much as the next person, but I never want to lose sight of myself just because Wal-Mart wants us all to flock to their stores to buy things we don't need.

A great man once said, "You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet..."

It's all true. Put away your credit card and put down that shirt that you think you need. Walk out of the store. Guess what?

You're still alive. You still, assuming you're not a nudist, have clothes on your back to keep yourself warm. You still, assuming you're not a college student living alone, have food in your home. So unless you're buying gifts for other people, just get out or stop shopping online.

Remember all the things you were thankful for yesterday and keep that in your mind today.

~